It is kind of funny. I am not the best person to open myself up to others or for that matter share anything personal - you know I am the type that internalises everything makes fun of herself just so that others would not have a clue that I am in fact human and that they got to me. I am the 'go to' or 'fix it' girl who always shrugs everything off with a laugh and patches wounds of others. You know the one that is oh so darn sure of herself and fixes everybody else's problems.
So if you are wondering why I am doing this (and no, I do not have narcissistic tendencies and do not need others to think it is all about me me me me me), it is because it is my 40th birthday today and my life does not work. I thought about it last night and realised that if I had to 'check out' today I would not be able to turn around and say 'it has been great' or 'I have done everything I wanted to do'.
And no, this is not yet another 40 year old with mid life crisis about to start chasing teenagers to make herself feel young again :-)
I am a Leo (not a cougar :-) )
It is simple - I have been saying for 2 years that I have had enough of crap and would make things work without another minute's delay. Instead, I have been delaying action and stuffing yet another moutfull of junk in my mouth as now I am a misrable lard arse who is fixing everybody else's life.
What made today special (apart form my birthday) ?
Well this lard arse tripped and landed on the edge of an 8 day old ($2000) sofa and broke the damn thing. Then jumped back in shock and rear-ended the edge of a coffee table with bare legs opening a 20cm flesh wound with with blood gashing out.
Happy Birthday to me !!!
OK OK - before you get the picture of a bare arsed rhinosaurous in your head, yes I have a large behind but not THAT big. I am 6 foot tall and 103kg so yes, the arse is big but surely not big enough to break a sofa had the damn thing not be faulty to start off with...
The whole 'rethinking my life last night to realise what a misrable creature I am' thing combined with my 'I broke the sofa and left chunk of my backside on a coffee table' bit were enough for me to decide after many attempts at straigtening my life (you know dropping the excess weight as well as that sad excuse for a husband I also drag arround) I bloody well had to do it. I mean I am 40 and miserable - just how many more years are there in front of me to not be miserable?!
I do not want to check out like this so to make sure this resolution is different and that I succeed this time time arround I am going to jott this down and bloody well publish it 'cause making it public just how miserable I have allowed my life to become is about as humiliating as anything can be so there is only one thing I can do - FIX IT or die of humiliation...
So boys and girls this is the 1st day of the rest of my life and I am going to count on you (if anyone does read this) to keep me honest. There are 3 nasty habbits I need to kick :
1. excess weight
2. a miserable lazy excuse for a husband
3. a job which provides absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever (yes the money is good but happiness is worth so much more)
I am giving myself 6 months to kick all these bad habbits and will make this journey public so I cannot hide cheat or lie. Any advice or word of encouragement are welcome...
